Am I bitter and angry?? NO WAY!!!

I get questions from people all the time about being a heart mom.



Aren't you bitter?



Are you angry that GOD chose this life for you and your daughter?



Don't you ever just feel like you want to give up hope?



What happens next?



Will Ryan ever play sports?



Well, allow me to answer these questions for everyone. I am FAR from bitter and angry. Ryan is a blessing, not a burden. I am grateful EVERY DAY that I have her. Do I get stressed when she has a bad attitude and thinks SHE is the one that runs this house? YES. I'd be lying if I said it was easy and I take it all in stride because it's NOT easy. She acts the way every child that's almost 2 acts. She gets wild and crazy, and her favorite words are NO and MINE. People don't understand how I have the strength to cope with having what is considered to be a "terminally ill child." Without trying to sound stuck up, I've always had a little bit of strength. Even before I was blessed with Ryan. She has given me so much more though. We've never gone to church, although we all believe VERY MUCH in GOD. I don't think you have to attend church to believe in HIM and have faith that HE is carrying you through.



I will NEVER give up hope and I will NOT just lay down and die. My baby and her heart NEED me. Have you ever felt NEEDED? not just wanted or desired or loved...TRULY NEEDED? Her life depends on our strength, hope and faith. If I give up, who is going to have hope for her? Nobody. She's means EVERYTHING in this world to me, and I am NEEDED by her. I always will be, and I will ALWAYS have hope for my baby.



As far as what happens next....who knows? We do know that Ryan will ONE day have surgery to either repair or replace her pulmonary valve. We do not know when that day will be...although we wish it could be while she's younger and doesn't understand as much. According to Dr. Lee, surgery could be as early as next year, or it could be in 3 years....but she's 95% sure it will happen BEFORE Ryan is 5 years old. Ryan will also MOST LIKELY never be able to play sports. With how winded she gets and how easily fatigued she always is, sports are probably out of the question. I took her to a try-out for a toddler tumbling class that was supposed to last an hour....she made it 20 minutes before she could barely breathe. We had to sit aside for her to catch her breath, and then we left to never return. That was a BIG reality check as to what she can and cannot do. A lot of rides at festivals and amusement parks have signs on them that CLEARLY state "DO NOT RIDE IF YOU HAVE ANY FORM OF HEART DISEASE OR HEART TROULE." I used to NEVER read those signs on things that I rode but now I have to. A CHD child does change your life FOREVER....but it can change in some amazing ways. You realize just how much love your heart can hold, and how much faith you REALLY do have.