I know it's normal, and everybody has them, but today I'm just having one of "those" days. I was fine earlier this morning and most of the afternoon. Then, it just hit me. I looked at Ryan sitting on the couch watching "Finding Nemo" and I just started crying. I couldn't control it anymore. It's been a while since I've really just let it out. I know it's normal to ask why this life was chosen for you, but is it still normal after dealing with it for almost 2 years? January 10, 2010 will mark the 2 year anniversary of Ryan's diagnoses. Should I still be asking why? Should I still have breakdowns? It's just such a confusing state to be in but I know it's normal. I sometimes think to myself....I wonder if I will be able to watch Ryan get on the bus for her first day of school? I wonder if we make it to see her as a teenager if we are going to fight a lot or be close? I wonder if I will ever see my precious baby walk down the isle on her wedding day? Will she be a mommy and if so, what kind of mommy will she be?
I know I'm jumping WAY ahead and shouldn't be thinking/worrying about these things now, but then again, it's a reality. Some of us "heart families" don't get the chance to see these things happen. My heart goes out to them EVERYDAY!!! I know I'm blessed and will be FOREVER grateful to have Ryan NO MATTER WHAT!!! I know all of you other heart mom's have had some point where you've had a day like this.....so I'm asking for your help.....how do you cope when you have one of "those" days where you just breakdown and realize all over again that your child is "terminally ill?" Any tips would be appreciated...it's nice to help eachother through tough times. Hopefully I don't wake up tomorrow feeling the way that I do now. Tomorrow, I will wake up and give my wonderful blessing a BIG hug and kiss and remind her of how much I love her.
I tried once again to post the video's but for some reason they are not loading correctly. I guess I will try again some other time. I hope everyone had a great week!! Tomorrow is FRIDAY!!! YAY!!!!
I have "plenty' of those days...feeling fearful and uncertain....blessed and hopeful all in one single moment! Nice to know that I'm not alone :)
ReplyDelete~Stephanie(mommy to Braeden HLHS)
http://braedensheartjourney.blogspot.com/
It is completely normal to have those days. I have them too...more than I sometimes admit. It is hard because we face so many uncertainties with these kids. There are no answers right in front to us to let us know how things will turn out. We just have to take those days as they come and then let them go. There is ALWAYS hope and we have to remind ourselves of that.
ReplyDeleteI try to remind myself that I was given a gift when Logan was placed in my arms. I gave him a chance to live and feel loved for however long he is here with us. While I HOPE that he is here forever I know that it is all in God's hands.
Juts love 'em while you have 'em. LIVE every day for them!
{{{HUG}}}
Stef, Ryan, Wyatt and Logan
http://www.whenlifehandsyouabrokenheart.blogspot.com
I have 'those' days too...way more than I probably should (and that I care to admit). I've gotten in that funk a few times lately I think because we know Derrick's surgery is in the near future. That's no reason, I know, still. When I catch myself going where I know I shouldn't go, I have to ask God to take the terrible thoughts and fear away. That's the only thing I know to do, and the only way I can feel any peace.
ReplyDeleteHug that cute little Ryan, and I'll be praying for peace for you. We all need that extra lift sometimes, and thankfully, all of us heart moms are hear to lift the other up when she needs it.
Big heart hugs and PRAYERS!
Shannon
www.carolinacarters.blogspot.com
Oh, those are some heavy questions to have to ponder. OF COURSE, you cried. Who wouldn't?! She is such a blessing and you are such a wonderful mommy!
ReplyDelete